Happy, Free, Confused, and Lonely at the Same Time
I turned 22 yesterday and I’m trying to be grateful for my past instead of nervous about my future.
Yesterday was arguably the most important day of the year. My birthday.
Like almost everyone else in the world, my thoughts become extremely existential as my birthday begins to roll around. I continuously turn over my new number in my head – 22, 22, 22, am I really mature enough to be 22? When I first heard Taylor Swift sing about being 22 at the age of 12, I thought it seemed so old. Even when I turned 20, I thought 22 was so old. I thought that I would have my entire life determined by the age of 22.
I started drafting out a long and winding post to post and signify to the Internet World that being 22-years-old is hard, and how I don’t know what to do with my life, and that I used to think I would be a millionaire by now, and how I am feeling happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.
As I continued to write, the post looked incredulously similar to the same post I had made last year when I turned 21. I’m sure if I would have pulled out my diary from 2022, I would have seen another incredibly similar post from when I turned 20. All of them include the same overarching theme – getting older is scary because with each age it feels like there is a new blank notebook that I must fill up with even more amazing and successful things than the year prior.
A lot of my internal life revolves around me getting too stuck in what is going to happen in the future and not enough of me appreciating the past.
Instead of repeating the same qualms as last year, I decided to push the introspectiveness and worry out of my brain and instead make a list of all the things I achieved this year and the good things that have happened during my 21st year. Both my mother and my good friend Lennon (who I have come to realize are eerily similar in practices) would appreciate my push towards positivity.
Before I begin, this is a lot of positive energy which means I am allotted one complaint – which is that people born in July are “Cancers” which (from someone who knows nothing about astrology) is the absolute worst sign. You can’t go around yelling “cancer season!” or saying “I’m a cancer girlie” or wearing cute baby tees with just the word “cancer” on it. I think that I would be a lot more into astrology if I could parade my sign around like every other sign can (For more details, I am a sun in cancer, moon in aries, scorpio rising).
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Onto the list…
I LIVED IN NYC! Which has always been such a dream of mine and sometimes I forget that I packed up and moved to the big city alone for the summer and made such great friends.
Photographed lots of big concerts (along with some little ones) – Mac DeMarco in Webster Hall in NYC, Sean Kingston, Eli Young Band, Local Natives, and the Eagles!
Spent my fourth of July on the deck of a private building to watch the Macy’s Fireworks with an unobstructed view.
Had my first photography exhibit in NYC. Heard people talking about my work not knowing the artist was standing right behind them, beyond cool.
Hired by my university’s athletics department as a content creator. Took lots of photos, edited lots of videos, made lots of graphics, and heard lots of hot gossip from the athletes.
Got picked to be on the university’s arts and sciences advisory board to try to get more appreciation for the majors in the A&S school.
Was APPROACHED (did not do the approaching) to write for Tulsa World, a major publication and wrote over 50 articles for them in the span of 5 months
Elected as the macro chair of the Student Investment Fund where we managed $7mil in assets (I was so scared to mess up) even though I hadn’t taken the finance prerequisite for the class.
Became the managing editor of the school newspaper.
Got 1st place in my softball rec league (half of my teammates are cops).
Wrote a Spanish Literature essay that my professor said “had ideas and connections [he] had never ever heard/thought of before”.
Received the highest grade in my class (98%) on my game theory midterm, a class that the econ department advertises as “a class to separate the strong students from the weak.”
Photographed (and attended) my first NBA game – OKC Thunder vs Golden State Warriors
Published a 2,000 word profile on the front cover of Tulsa World about sisters playing soccer together after interviewing them, their parents, and their coach. Plus setting up a photoshoot with them and coordinating details while sitting in my Chinese Economy class.
GOT INVITED TO DALLAS FASHION WEEK BECAUSE OF THIS BLOG. Being invited to fashion week was always my dream and Dallas was only 4 hours away so it worked out so well.
Aced all my winter finals and got a 4.0. Wrote a 14-page research paper over Thanksgiving that allowed me to graduate early. Got my econ & art degrees!! Sometimes I take this for granted, but when I was 17 it felt like I was going to be sick my entire life and never get to go to college, and now I walk around casually saying “oh yeah, I’m a recent college grad.”
Made really good friends (Londyn, Harlow, Leala, Kailani) and got to know some old friends a lot better (Jaden, Ada)
Started an internship in the music industry then after five months got asked to return as the head of the A&R team and the social team. Built the A&R team up from the literal ashes.
Bought my new favorite necklace (Tulsa), rings (NYC), and bracelet (STL).
Won 1st place in a galleried event for a picture I took over the summer in NYC and won $850.
Got asked out on a Valentine’s date by two boys!! (This is a big deal, it has never happened before). Accidentally ghosted both of them.
Finally got to watch the Super Bowl with friends!! Every other year I had missed the game because I was studying or finishing work.
Convinced Lennon to visit me in Tulsa.
Started volunteering at the government animal shelter like I did in middle school.
Got back to Yosemite and San Francisco and saw my grammy who is 92 and so unbelievably spunky.
Started going to a concussion research center in hopes that they would be able to help with my long-lasting effects. Met some people in the medical field who were actually nice, listened to me, and rationalized my problems.
Walked at graduation!!!!
Went to my first author event at the library.
Started a mission with Mother Huntley to eat and rate all of the chocolate croissants in STL. If you happen to be in the ‘Lou and know a good chocolate croissant place, drop it below.
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Turning another year older definitely brings some worries with it, but it also makes me acknowledge that I am not in the same space I was in last year. Mentally or physically or in any other form of matter. Twenty-two will bring new hardships and worries, but it will also bring new friends, new jobs, new cities to explore, and the chance to accomplish more things I have been dreaming about. With all these new experiences, I'll have plenty to write about as they all unfold.
Yours truly,
Calihan